Thursday, 28 February 2008

faking it

It’s not anything but then it would be a bit embarrassing to stop. so you continue.
And then you realise you’ve gone too far so you’re going to have to pass the whole thing off as real even though it’s not. but then because they think it is and to make it convincing you’re having to act with your soul it is real in a sense and you start crying and then they think it’s really serious and it’s a big mess. It’s amazing to look round and see them looking at you like that - like you’ve never seen anyone look at you before. You are intensely exclusively the centre of attention, nothing could distract them from looking at you - but then the tears and the fact that there is no real explanation and they start to think maybe you were crying wolf and you know its a mess but your just so high from their stares and the reality and genuity of it all when it wasn’t real. Experiencing an emotion, relishing life that you haven’t/weren’t meant to experience. That wasn’t/isn’t you. You don’t get fits and you shouldn’t know what it feels like to have people look at you but it’s so powerful and so delicious - like you’ve stolen it from some bank of life experiences, like you’ve discovered a way to create genuine artificial emotion and drama. Circling now. But it’s incredible, but you feel guilty. And like a dirtied attention seeking awful person but oh it was just surreal and magical and you were really trapped there on the floor - they made it real.

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